Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas.  Her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to Kitty, the little girl.

'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?'

The little girl said, 'It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!' 'What's that?' her mother asked. 'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!'

Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.'

Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried d about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws. When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see.'

'Wait till you wake up on Xmas morning,' her mother smiled and continued stuffing the turkey.

So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten. She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic. Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy , Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!'

'Of course it has,' her mother grinned.
'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded.

Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!'

How To Give a Cat a Pill

So you get a cat for Christmas, unfortunately after the excesses of the festive season it gets sick. Here are detailed instructions for what to do next.

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Although few people are aware of the fact, cats are avid golfers and have been since the game's inception. After all, it is a game ideally suited to cats because it requires a high degree of muscular coordination, patience, and serves no useful purpose.

Traditionally, cats have been rather casual about establishing a formal protocol governing rules of play, but, recently, in order to facilitate the setting of handicaps, the Directors of the Cats Royal Academy for Golf (CRAG) met at St. Andrews, Scotland, to correct this oversight.

Although discussion was spirited and often heated, the following set of rules was adopted:

    Every drive is a practice drive until you get one you like.
    Since trees are cats' first line of defense against dogs, they must be treated gently. Therefore, if your ball lands behind a tree, it may be moved without penalty to avoid hitting the tree and damaging it on your next shot.
    Birds, squirrels, and rabbits on the golf course may be considered distractions and dubbed shots may be repeated without penalty.
    Sand traps may be used as litter pans since most golf courses don't normally have rest-rooms for cats.
    If your ball should land in a sand trap, it may be removed without penalty. After all, who wants to hit a ball out of a litter pan.
    It is always permissible to improve your lie because cats are great believers in self-improvement.
    Any ball within the general vicinity of the green may be moved to the green without bothering to chip since most chipping is just a waste of time and seldom accomplishes its purpose.
    Regardless of the position of the ball after the first putt, the second putt is a gimme.
    Your final score may be adjusted downward, provided it is done discreetly.

If cats follow these "rules of play" strictly, they will find that they will be playing by the same rules used by most amateur golfers.

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.

Message To Cats

Dear Cats

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack.

Beating me to the end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either,as I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Please note that sticking tails and tongues out to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.

If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, meeow, try to turn the knob, or to get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered.

In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Feline attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's litter tray. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Alternate Method of washing the Cat.

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times. (You may consider this step to be optional).

2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.

3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.

4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions.

5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.

Note: Hold securely to leash attached to cat in toilet.

6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door, and slam it shut - securely shut, because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet propelled.

7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself.

8. Bask in self-congratulatory haze.

Supercats

Humour

    It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.

    And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

    And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.

    Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

    And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

    And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

    After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

    And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

    And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

    And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

    And Cat did not care one way or the other.

A little girl cried. Daddy, Daddy Fluffy is dead.
That’s OK dear. Fluffy has gone to Heaven to be with God.
Daddy,  What would God want with a dead cat?

Secret Cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.